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Please don’t colonize me

Bill Maher thinks I’m angry.

I first heard of Bill Maher as the host of Politically Incorrect on Comedy Central. I watched a few shows but soon moved on. Like so many comedians, Bill struck me as someone who thinks they’re funny and knows for certain they are the smartest person in any room.

Bill Maher

Such people annoy me, but I’m not angry.

I would have happily continued to ignore Bill, like that pesky relative that says stupid and cringe-worthy things. But then, Bill had to go and make up things about me and my neighbors.

Recently on his HBO show Real Time, Bill said, “We have orchestras and theaters districts and world-class shopping. We have Chef Wolfgang Puck, they (red state America) have Chef Boyardee.”

However, Bill was just getting warmed up. Over the course of the next few minutes, he said, “The fly-over states have become the passed-over states, that’s why red state voters are so pissed off. They don’t hate us, they want to be us. They want to go to the party.” He concluded the tirade with, “If liberals are serious about winning elections, they have to recolonize the parts of the country they’ve abandoned.” You can view the entire rant on the embedded video. 

Bill, I know this will come as a surprise, but I don’t want to come to your party and I hope you don’t come and try to colonize my part of the country. I’m not pissed-off, as you put it, but clearly, we value different things.

You see, my home isn’t surrounded by buildings, pavement, and traffic. I have neighbors but I can’t see them from my house. All I see as I look out any window is grass and trees. If I look through the trees along the south side of my property I can just make out the nearest road. If I’m working outside, I tend to notice the occasional car that travels it. 

In the morning I wake up to the sounds of chickens, horses, and cows. A host of birds including hummingbirds, swallows, hawks and an occasional bald eagle frequent the nearby forest. Almost daily, deer stroll through my yard and as dusk falls they sometimes settle down for the night in a nearby meadow. When the snow is deep my wife will often leave them apples.

On warm summer nights, I usually leave the window open and fall asleep to the sound of frogs croaking in the nearby pond.

You’re right Bill, I don’t have access to world-class shopping or Wolfgang Puck, but those have never been high on my list of life’s perks. I appreciate orchestras and theaters but have given up being close to them for what I get in return—beauty, peace, and solitude.

I know all of that probably sounds horrible to someone born and raised in the New York City area, but I like it. So, please don’t colonize my area. I’ve lived in big cities and I left them.

I’m just a conservative, red state republican who loves the simple country life and doesn’t want to be like you. 


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